Divine Mixology and a Passion for Punch: Good Friday Cocktails, 2017 Edition

With Easter approaching, the Martha Stewarts of this world are industriously posting menu ideas and table-setting tips.  No surprises there, but the old eyebrow raised a touch at one website’s imperative, “Whether you're planning a brunch, late lunch, or early dinner, one thing's for sure: you must celebrate with cocktails that are just as festive as the food you’re making!”  Now, we love a little pick-me-up as much (or more) than anyone, but an “Easter Bunny” (vodka, crème de cacao, cherry brandy and chocolate syrup) just doesn’t seem quite the thing to toast the Resurrected Christ.  Nor does a Kiwi Cobbler (mint, kiwi, vanilla bean and tequila) call to mind the stone, rolled away from the door of the sepulchre.
But my wife tells me to lighten up, shake out some martinis, and stop grousing: It’s 2012, for chrissake, and there’s no fighting today's pervasive cross-marketing.  Likewise, Jesus himself tells us to “resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.”  So why wait until Easter?  Let’s all get a head start and celebrate Good Friday with the kind of custom cocktails that’ll leave you shouting, “TGIGF!  TGIGF! TGIGF!”

Special 2017 Hipster Punch Bowl Edition

Across the nation, from Brooklyn to Portlandia, punch is now all the rage amongst the self-appointed hipster "cognoscenti of cocktails."  There’s something so appealingly retro, after all, something so very eighteenth-century British about punch!  And whether in silver, porcelain or glass, the old-school punchbowl (sourced from a vintage store, natch) is a perfect accompaniment to your monocle, waxed mustache, medieval manuscript-inspired tattoos and furry hats.  This Good Friday, then, why not get hip and celebrate with some classic but edgy, old but new punch recipes, each more crucifyingly delicious than the last!

Sangre di Cristo Sangria

Sangria, the name of which derives from the Spanish word for “blood,” is a natural accompaniment to your Good Friday festivities.  Begin with the blood of a savior (see diagram at left for optimum extraction method).  Red wine can substitute in a pinch.  Add half cup each of brandy, orange juice and lemon juice, plus a quarter cup sugar.  Float slices of fruit in the mixture and refrigerate for several hours.
Choose your fruit purposefully; an iconographic dictionary should be on every kitchen’s cookbook shelf.  The apple recalls the original sin of Adam and Eve, redeemed by Christ’s sacrifice, while the pineapple symbolizes eternal life.  The strawberry is the symbol of perfect righteousness.  And the peach can represent either virginity or salvation, depending on what you do with your eyebrows when you drop it in. 

Scorpion Bowl

For centuries scriptural exegetes have equated Judas’ kiss of betrayal with the poison sting of the scorpion.  But until now no-one has taken the analogy to its logical conclusion—a Good Friday cocktail punch!  Let the most dastardly of your apostles play bartender.  

For the sting, use equal parts gin, vodka, dark rum, light rum, and grenadine.  To cloak it in deception, add 4 parts orange juice, 5 parts pineapple juice and 2 parts lemon juice.  Put 12 straws in the bowl so that everyone at the table can share, while your bartender slips out the side door with the till.  Drink enough of this at your last supper and you’ll need a firm resurrection the morning after. 

Golgotha Grog

 A riff on the traditional sailors’ drink, the Golgotha Grog is perhaps best suited to the fishermen among your apostles.  In a punchbowl mix a bottle of dark rum, a quarter bottle of lime juice and a half cup of brown sugar.  Float orange slices and cinnamon in the mix.  Then add an equal measure of boiling water—while the other punches in this set are iced a classic grog is served hot.  Ladle individual servings into a sawed-off skull.
After your third or fourth of these you’ll find the mind is increasingly suited to pious hallucination, while the tongue slips with surprising ease into pirate talk.  “Look up on yonder hill: Avast!  thar be a cross risin’ like a great mast…. An’ shiver me timbers me hearties, thar be yer old shipmate Jesus nail’d on it, aye, thar he be, lookin’ like he been keelhauled by Cap’n Kidd himself!”  Feel free to have another, and when the sky goes dark in mid-afternoon and the curtains rip, it may be for real.

Twice-Spiked Watermelon

Technically a punch, but also a dessert.  Like Christ’s passion itself, this recipe takes several days do properly.  On Friday, select a large, ripe melon.  With a lance, pierce the side, leaving a broad wound about three inches long.  Invert the melon so that the wound faces down and let gravity and time drain the vital juices from it.  For an extra festive seasonal touch, “spike” the melon again by driving four large nails in around the wound.  Leave in this position for at least 24 hours.  Once melon has drained, flip it over again and pour a full bottle of vodka into the wound.  Chill melon in a sepulcher (a cooler with ice will do if a tomb is not available) and let the vodka soak overnight.  Sunday morning it’ll be ready to slice and serve—your guests will rave over this novelty dish that gives “body and blood” in every bite!

Still thirsty?  Have a look at some of the past years' recipes!