Stick a Lance in it! Good Friday Cocktails,
the 2016 Edition.
With Easter approaching, the Martha Stewarts of this world are industriously posting menu ideas and table-setting tips. No surprises there, but the old eyebrow raised a touch at one website’s imperative, “Whether you're planning a brunch, late lunch, or early dinner, one thing's for sure: you must celebrate with cocktails that are just as festive as the food you’re making!” Now, we love a little pick-me-up as much (or more) than anyone, but an “Easter Bunny” (vodka, crème de cacao, cherry brandy and chocolate syrup) just doesn’t seem quite the thing to toast the Resurrected Christ. Nor does a Kiwi Cobbler (mint, kiwi, vanilla bean and tequila) call to mind the stone, rolled away from the door of the sepulchre.
But my wife tells me to lighten up, shake out some martinis, and stop grousing: It’s 2016, for chrissake, and there’s no fighting today's pervasive cross-marketing. Likewise, Jesus himself tells us to “resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” So why wait until Easter? Let’s all get a head start and celebrate Good Friday with the kind of custom cocktails that’ll leave you shouting, “TGIGF! TGIGF! TGIGF!”
So gather your ingredients and pack the cooler for a Via Dolorosa
Road Trip -- we're heading to the Place of the Sköl!
** Son of Man(hattan)
Having a sub-par day?
Take heart! Matthew 18:11 tells
us, "For the
Son of Man is come to save that which was lost." The same is true for the Son of Man(hattan),
a tasty and potent pick-me-up. Mix 3
parts Rye (any brand will do, but we prefer Heaven Hill for its auspicious foreshadowing), one part red vermouth, and some zested root of bitterness. Garnish with a cherry, unless of course you’re a
Calvinist. Connoisseurs prefer the Son
of Man(hattan) shaken, not scourged.
** Immaculate Conception on the Beach
** The Bad Thief
An utterly unrepentant drink.
Mix two ounces ouzo, two ounces tequila, two ounces absinthe and a dash or two of Jagermeister. Serve in a stolen
glass. Just one of these will rob you of
your inhibitions, and you’ll find yourself mocking the guy on the cross next
door. Two will rob you of your dignity,
three of your memory and four of your weekend.
Check for missing kidneys when you come to later—this is a very Bad
Thief.
** Mai Tai, Mai Tai, why have you forsaken me?
According to mixologists' lore, this drink was invented by Lenny the Cyrenian, who
manned the Tiki Bar on Golgotha for most of the Julio-Claudian era. Mix 3 sponges rum, 1 sponge orgeat syrup, 1
sponge Triple Sec and two sponges lime juice.
Garnish with a big spear of mint. Even just
one of these will lend a healthy glow to your stigmata, but if you’re hankering
for another, remember that the barkeep won’t forsake you until last call has
past.
